"Pain from an old wound"

Homesickness is quite awful.
It's not the like hold your knees to your chest and cry kind of pain
I kinda wish it was, so there was some way to like..express it
It's the hold it in and silently suffer kind of pain.

Its the pain you acquire with age, when you want to go home, but adult factors like money and time make it impossible. It's something you can only learn through experience. Hard to describe. You can't say you've felt a pain like this until you really have.

I feel like I'm doing a lot of other things right. And so many other things wrong.
Really, I feel like each day is a struggle to get through. Having to keep busy. Those pangs of panic that you have to force down. Those angry, churning waves of guilt and unease that you know will pass soon enough, but how soon?

I know it seems like I always know what I'm doing, but half the time, I have no idea.

I miss that feeling of belonging to someone. Safety and warmth.
I miss genuine happiness because it comes rarely now and is fleeting.

I know strength because each day I and those around me muster it.
But art students are really some of the loneliest people I've ever met.
We struggle to find a place, dazed and confused, we hold onto the only things we know that remind us of home. Sometimes knowing that it'll eventually hurt us, but we do it anyway.
We know we're alone in our struggle for the most part, but we drink, party, or in my case, pretend away the real world.


When does it get better?
I wanted you to call me and promise me it would.